Suffering Optional Episode 4: Pause and Pivot
In this episode of Suffering Optional, we dive into the “Stop” skill from DBT to address cravings and reactive behavior. When an urge arises, like wanting to snap at a family member or reach for a cigarette, using “Stop” helps us pause, breathe, and observe what’s happening internally. We expand our understanding of these action urges but exploring the Buddhist concept of three types of Cravings (that are the root of all suffering). We also explore the difference between Craving and Wholesome Desire.
How to Listen
Episode 4: Pause and Pivot is available wherever you get your podcasts. Here are links to it on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
Kama Tanha (Craving for Sense Pleasures)
Description: This type of craving is directed toward sensory pleasures—the desire for pleasant experiences related to the five senses: sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and tactile sensations. For example, it could be craving the taste of a delicious meal, the warmth of a cozy room, or the pleasure of a comforting scent.
Impact: Kama tanha is a strong and very common type of craving because it often feels rewarding and satisfying in the short term. However, it leads to suffering because these sensory pleasures are fleeting, and the mind quickly desires more or different stimuli to maintain that sense of pleasure. This endless cycle can create a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction.
Podcast Connection: In Episode 4, craving for sensory pleasure was related to the struggle in addiction or other habitual behaviors where people constantly seek pleasant sensations to avoid discomfort or to numb pain
Wholesome Desire: In contrast, a wholesome desire for well-being doesn’t seek momentary pleasure but rather a deeper, more enduring sense of satisfaction. For example, one might desire to nourish the body with healthy food, engage in fulfilling activities, or cultivate loving relationships. This type of desire is guided by wisdom and is free from the desperation or grasping that characterizes kama tanha. It aims to bring genuine well-being rather than a quick fix.
Bhava Tanha (Craving to Become or Craving for Identity)
Description: Bhava tanha is the craving to become something or someone, driven by the desire to establish a specific identity or reach certain goals. It’s not about sensory pleasure, but about the wish to attain a different state or persona—whether that’s success, respect, love, or a particular lifestyle. For example, it could be the desire to be seen as successful, to be admired, or to be known as a “good person.”
Impact: This craving often leads to a constant pursuit of goals or self-improvement that can bring momentary satisfaction but leaves an underlying feeling of inadequacy or frustration. The desire to “become” can lead us to invest in a story of the self that is ultimately unfulfilling, as identity itself is impermanent. When the mind is consumed with the need to “become” something, it can breed anxiety, comparison, and a sense of never being “enough” in the present moment.
Podcast Connection: In Episode 4, this craving was discussed in the context of ambition, with examples like wanting to be the top podcast or achieving accolades. This craving is often associated with self-worth tied to external success, and it can create feelings of urgency and pressure. The Madeline highlighted that this type of craving can blur the line between a wholesome desire and a sense of “I need” that takes on an unskillful intensity(Episode 4 notes)(SO4 Transcript).
Wholesome Desire: A wholesome desire for growth, on the other hand, arises from a sincere wish to develop one’s potential, without attachment to a specific outcome or identity. It’s a gentle aspiration to improve or contribute to the world, motivated by compassion, curiosity, or a sense of purpose rather than by insecurity or a need for validation. For instance, a wholesome desire might be to become more patient, to learn a new skill, or to help others. This form of desire aligns with values and doesn’t create suffering, because it’s not tied to rigid expectations or ego-driven needs.
Vibhava Tanha (Craving for Non-Existence or Craving to Avoid Being)
Description: Vibhava tanha is the craving to escape or avoid certain states of existence. This can manifest as a desire to not experience something unpleasant, whether it’s emotional pain, difficult conditions, or aspects of the self. It is an aversion-driven craving, rooted in a wish to “not be” in situations or feelings we find unbearable. At its extreme, it can take the form of wanting to escape from life altogether.
Impact: This type of craving can lead to behaviors of avoidance, denial, or even thoughts of self-harm as a way to escape suffering. When we are driven by vibhava tanha, we might detach from reality, numb ourselves, or withdraw in an attempt to “not exist” in situations that feel too difficult to face. However, this avoidance only deepens suffering, as it prevents us from engaging fully with life and resolving the sources of our discomfort.
Podcast Connection: In the episode, this craving was touched on in relation to suicidality and the desire to escape unbearable pain. Madeline discussed how vibhava tanha can manifest as a craving to “not be” in specific emotional states, such as when someone wishes to avoid the pain associated with their conditions. Diana and Madeline explored the Buddhist view that true peace comes not from escape, but from changing our relationship to pain and discomfort through mindfulness
Wholesome Desire: A wholesome desire for peace, however, is motivated by a compassionate wish to relieve suffering in a balanced way. Rather than trying to avoid or eliminate pain, it seeks inner calm and resilience. This might involve practicing mindfulness to accept discomfort, developing skills to cope with challenges, or nurturing a supportive community. A wholesome desire for peace acknowledges that discomfort is part of life and seeks a sustainable, skillful way of responding to it, without rejecting or resisting reality.
